Monday, November 16, 2009
Shall We Gather?
Today a fat little squirrel visited me and the cats.
I dug through the pantry to find something healthy for a squirrel and found the walnuts I bought at Whole Foods. I knew the squirrel would appreciate them more than I would.
(adorable, isn't she?) I thought about the symbolism of squirrel and this time of year. Even LA squirrels have to gather for leaner times. We all gather things. I think people forget that what we gather has a direct effect on our healthy future, in the same way that the squirrel gathers healthy food to support himself. He prepares for a healthy future.
To quote myself from an earlier post: "Sometimes preparation means lightening your load, freeing up resources, readying for change. Get rid of things that don’t suit you or the goal you have in mind… whether these things are attitudes, perspectives, spouses, beliefs, people, relationships, etc. Things that don't speed your progress. Things that keep you so occupied in an old pattern, that you end up being less prepared for your future."
I realized that I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately about what I want to gather, and what I don't want to gather any longer. What supports me and a healthy outlook and perspective? If I gather and gather for fear of lack in the future, I then live overburdened in the present by all that I'm carrying. I will actually slow myself down by what I'm choosing to gather. Preparation is a good thing, but too much preparation and you get stuck in waiting for the need to use what you've gathered.
A good friend of mine is carrying everything his family tells him to carry, so that he can feel like a good person. I see another friend of mine playing a role they think makes them valuable to a mutual friend. And I watch my talented husband who seems to realize, with such ease, what to worry about, and what not to worry about. All this makes me think about what I'm carrying. What have I gathered that no longer serves me? And what I can let go of? Psst... did you know we can actually give ourselves permission to let go of things?
I'm gathering new things and casting off the old, in preparation for a healthy future. And I'm feeling ten pounds lighter already. I needed a reminder. I'm grateful. It seemed only fair to feed the reminder the walnuts.
If interested, you can read more from my previous squirrel post about gathering; just click over *here*
~Shephard :)
Labels: Of Mice and Mondays
posted by Shephard @ 
Monday, November 09, 2009
Turn and Face the Change
I needed clarity in my life. I was too close to the center to see clearly.There are several ways I go about this: getting out of my rut/pattern and changing up the scenery, lunch with a friend, reading something up-lifting, writing on my blog, paying attention to the signs the Universe sends me... it's about perspective. Getting sick can even break up the mental rut and force me to stop and take stock (which I also did). It's good for us all to have options, and to know what works and when.
Lately, I've been brain tired and body tired. I knew none of the above was enough. So I sought outside help.
I happen to know a very grounded, talented, authentic psychic. Now let's be clear... she's not the kind that tells you your Aunt Esther has 6 months to live or who tries to pump you for clues as to what to say to you. I think these garden variety faker fortune-tellers are rather obvious (and there were actually a couple at the New Orleans themed Wrap Party this weekend whom friends told me were terrible), but they are not the real deal.
My reading took an hour, and at the end of it, I had a very clear sense of a battle plan to get me through the next year. I saw clearly what it was I was doing to keep myself stuck, and I had many ideas and suggestions to pin my hopes to as well.
I need to become the friend who calls at the last minute, not cancels at the last minute. Spontaneous choices instead of rigid planning. I give away our free time at the drop of a hat. When I see free time, I fill it with events or agree to do things with friends. I have no time for me, no extra time to plan, no time to do something spontaneous and no time to relax. With B's crazy schedule, I have worried that people would get mad at us for not being available. But, I realize now, it won't matter to those who matter. So, I am no longer going to plan things even a week out if I don't absolutely have to. This will allow me to breathe.
B and I have so little time, that the 2 or 3 evening hours we do spend together are spent unwinding and catching up. There's no time left over for being in the present together, for talking or enjoying the idea of things to come. There's no time just to be.
I also have a habit of trouble-shooting problems that don't exist. Preparing for the worst. That's sort of like loading the boat with so many life-vests there's no room for things the boat and passengers actually need. I need to bring myself back to the present. It's simply not necessary. Preparation is good, but too much is strangling.
I need to remember that all of us are sign-posts for others as well. Sometimes our example is not a comfortable one for everyone, but we have to be that anyway, or we rob them of an opportunity. I am who I am.
I've been trying so hard to be all things to all people, that I'm not focusing on what I need to be. Examples: When I'm in a work-social situation, I'm always thinking about reflecting well on my husband's reputation. When I'm with friend A, I have a list of things to avoid, and when with friend Z, I have an entirely different list to avoid, and of course I just keep quiet with friend W. I have friends who don't know what I believe about the world and reality, and other friends to whom I can talk freely or who aren't interested. All of this balancing and variety is normal for all of us, but I have so much diversity I feel pulled in too many directions. A life spent trying not to ruffle feathers just gets me down (get it??). I'll be much more well-adjusted if I stop trying to adjust so much.
Could I have gotten this info from someone other than a psychic? For those who listen, life finds a way to get through to us one way or another. The message is always more important than the messenger. My reading was about learning more about myself, not predicting the future. Or rather, protecting the future from the present.
It's been a very enlightening week and I have a lot to think about.
~Shephard :)
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Prime Directives
For months, I've had so much coming at me, that I just keep treading water, and eventually, I just started floating and watching it all go by, responding only to those things that demanded my response. It's just about getting from here to there. I'm not unhappy, I'm just tired. When your husband's job consumes your lives for 36 months, you just have to be grateful for what it gives you, and wait all the rest out. So, I think that's what I've been doing. A lot of waiting.
I miss B being more light-hearted.
I miss the laughter.
I miss being able to plan things.
I miss B having more energy to enjoy life.
I miss not worrying about every choice the mouse makes.
I miss weekends, and being able to do anything with them.
I miss being able to just go somewhere.
I miss normal dinner hours.
I miss having the energy to do more than just rest & recharge.
We also know, there's no way most of the people in our lives can truly understand. Even those friends we have in the industry have never directed two overlapping films (Maybe we need to be friends with Peter Jackson?), so they only understand a fraction of it. Of course, now we realize that doing 2 films in a row is not good for B or for me. It would never happen this way again, so we've no worries about having to sustain all this. We have each other, and that's what's pulling us through. We just don't have the energy to wade through baggage the way we normally do. I have to choose positive exchanges and situations, because that's what's keeping us going.
The Universe never gives us more than we can handle. This whole experience has forced us to streamline our lives to the positive and conducive. One friend said it would be a marathon. She was almost right. It's more like mountain-climbing. I'm an excellent planner. If I'd only known more of what we would need to get through ahead of time, I could have planned better. But... I think that the point wasn't to plan better, but that life needed to exhaust us so we'd have to start making better choices.
I am so happy with some of the changes lately. Inner changes. I have gained a sense of emotional independence. I think I'm just too tired to care when someone else disagrees or needs something I can't give them. It's wonderful! Because I don't worry about it now. My worry credits are spent. So I just smile now and say no, and the social pressure I used to feel is gone. It's not my responsibility to make sure everyone understands my choices. Good lord, is that what I've been doing all my life? Making sure everyone understands my choices? How exhausting!
So this has been about exhausting the bad habits. Or maybe exorcising them? I
Prime Directives. I've known what tools to use for so long... but wanting the understanding was a compromise. Perhaps that quality is inherent in all writers... striving for understanding. But it's suddenly not a prime directive anymore. It has marginal importance. With healthier choices, I'll stop treading, and start swimming again. Had I been less stubborn, I'd have reached this conclusion without the exhaustion. But maybe I needed that to reach the point of quiet knowing and determination.
~Shephard :)
Monday, November 02, 2009
God Sent Me Soy Sauce
Funny how life just talks to you , if you listen. Call it whatever you want to, god, the Universe, The Great Pumpkin, Life. But I've learned to listen. I had a heart to heart with someone the other day about not being afraid to ask for help. I suggested she reach out, pride be damned, and ask for help and not punish herself for having made very human and understandable mistakes.
I've talked to another good friend recently about "Asking for what you want," because if you don't say it out loud, how else is anyone out there (who could potentially help you) going to recognize an opportunity to help when it comes along? Ask, maybe they'll say yes. She asked. They said yes.
A good friend called today, knowing I was under the weather, and asked if she could pick up anything for me at Whole Paycheck (wink to Wendy). I immediately said no, because it's been hammered into me to never ask for help. I'm sick. I'm at home. B works late. I realized that... I needed soy sauce for our dinner tonight, and B would have to stop at the store to get it at 8pm or later tonight, on his way home, after a very long day (and a long weekend of nursing me back to health... ). So, I called her back and said I would love it if she could bring me some soy sauce. And I felt so guilty. I immediately thought, I have to do something nice to return the kindness, to make it up to her.
Then I started to think about my pattern.
I'm not used to accepting help, even though I'm surrounded by several generous friends. Part of it is that I know how well B has done for us. We'll always want to share that with the people we love. And you have to keep the energy moving. But I feel guilty when my limitations require anything from others.
And this all went through my mind after my friend's offer to get me something from the store. It was a generous and easy gesture for her, but it was helping me and a very tired B at the same time and it made a difference in our lives. Life was trying to help me, and I almost closed my hand to what it was offering.
Maybe it's like that metaphor...
A man is caught in a flood, and he stood on the roof, waiting for god to save him, a boat came for him, and he said "No, god will save me," and then hippopotamus came floating by asking if he needed help (I know that's wrong, I can't remember the second thing, just go with it), and he said no, "God will save me," and then a helicopter came and he refused that as well. He drowned, went to heaven, and said, "God why didn't you save me?" And god said... "I tried! I sent you a boat, a hippopotamus and a helicopter!"
We do have to ask for what we want. It's ok to want. It's ok to ask. It's not better to give than to receive... because if giving is better, then that means someone would always be better than someone else. Both are important. It's important to allow others the same generosity. I think we're all connected and able to move each other forward when we remember to listen for the opportunities. I'm going to try to be more open to receiving from The Universe.
~Shephard :)
Labels: Of Mice and Mondays
Monday, October 26, 2009
My Inner Grandma
Sometimes I'm just not sure what to make of the mystery of it all.
Things that make sense to me might be cold comfort or trite to others. I can't make sense of why someone gets cancer, and why others like Bernie Madoff do not. Not that I'm saying I want that man to get cancer, but I'm just using him as a reference for justice/injustice. I just know that I'm so happy my good friend survived and triumphed over breast cancer, but my heart goes out to those who lose loved ones.
I'm a creature of meaning. That's kind of like a creature of habit, but my habit is searching for meaning. Meaning makes my life breathe. I'm not interested in proof, just understanding. I will look for meaning, because to me, living my life without seeing the meaningfulness is empty. So I choose to find meaning, rather than chaos.
I look at someone like B's wonderful Nana.
She's 93, I believe. This woman inspires me. I wish she didn't live so far away. She has lost a husband and siblings, and she accepts whatever life tosses her way, and comes up grateful. It seems to me that maybe she decided long ago that it wasn't important to understand everything, and to embrace the world for what it is without taking it personally and becoming a victim. I think we need the wisdom of those elders who not only survive but thrive and flourish. Imagine a woman who is full of life and you hear the color and laughter in her voice when she speaks... that's B's Nana. I'm not saying she isn't human; I'm saying her attitude about people and life is one of the healthiest I can think of.
My own grandmothers are long gone.
One was a mean-spirited bible-thumper who contracted Alzheimer's, and the other drank her liver to death. So I'm afraid matriarchal wisdom does not run in my family.
My own mom turns 80 in a week, a grandma several times over, and has never quite understood people or life. I'm constantly trying to help her understand the motives and choices of others. I realized last week after a very small "altercation" with her, that I have never actually heard her say the words "I was wrong." Or even gestures that represent it. She equates being wrong with being bad or lesser than, so she can never be wrong. Luckily, she has a very generous heart, so she's never abusive with it. But she's never quite figured out that being wrong is just human, and we're all wrong once in a while. Being wrong makes you not only human, but empathetic and sympathetic, and that gracefully acknowledging it gives those around you the freedom to be themselves.
The photo above hangs in my kitchen; it makes me smile.I found it a travel brochure for Germany. Someone got to have that grandma with that smile and those crinkly eyes and those big soft arms. In my mind, she smells like lavender and cake batter. I hope she is or was as fun as she looks.
I didn't get that grandma this time, but I'm starting to realize she's my "inner grandma." She's that voice in my head that tells me that I don't have to understand all of life to find meaning. That, if I embrace the world for what it is, instead of constantly being disappointed in what the world is not, that I will be happier. Perhaps like B's Nana.
~Shephard :)
Labels: Of Mice and Mondays
Monday, October 19, 2009
Go Forward, Move Ahead, Try to Detect it, It's Not too Late
Last week I met a friend for coffee.I walked out of the coffee place after four hours,
feeling as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
The ingredients:
A car sideswiped us on the freeway
and it became all about helping that person
An old friend from 15 years ago found me last week on FB
Another old friend from 20 years ago found me this week on FB
An argument with Mom because I wasn't telling her what she wanted to hear
Two different visits with two dear friends I don't see very often
A wonderful lunch with a new friend
Balancing older relationships with newer ones
An upcoming event that's at a bad time
Balancing appropriateness with others
(I know that's vague, sorry)
Two instances of being involved in High-School-like behavior (wth?)
A continuous unpredictable pace (for the last 2.5 years)
that will continue for an entire year more
Sharing all this over Jasmine Tea Coolers and orange scones with a balanced friend.
The repetitive pattern for me is that my past is demanding attention. I'm not really talking about those old friends I reconnected with; that's just the Universe's way of getting me to focus on my PAST being the issue. I'm talking about how much importance I give the past.
I realized in talking with my friend that I chose to give the past importance. I chose to make the struggle important.... It's actually not important at all. And my good friend suggested why not just be unavailable to the past? Why not just let go of all those beliefs about the past, about life, relationships, the world that don't add to your healthy perspective? Pay more attention to what feeds me than what needs me, for a change. It seemed so simple.
Maybe all this had to come to a head while B & I were stretched and tired. We're not unhappy, just tired. We put the oars down awhile ago, and have been letting the Mouse row. Row away, Mouse, I'm happy to float. We don't have the energy or resources to fight the current. I had to get that tired to realize I can't keep one foot forward, one foot back. Embrace the salutary, let go of the rest. And those who need the past will have to get it from some other source now.
~Shephard :)
Labels: Of Mice and Mondays
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder
Where else but Vegas could you take a photo of a gold lamé Elvis talking to a bicycle cop in front of a stretch Hummer limousine (a "hummosine")? For all its garishness and its reputation of being "Sin City," I always find plenty of beauty and humor in this town.
From the air... the promise of glitz and entertainment is palpable.
Our friends from France, Kido & Boulu, found things to be very entertaining at The Paris Hotel & Resort. :) I think they were surprised at how charming it could be. Certainly not the charm that comes from the real city, but a sort of very brief, cleaned-up, colorful hommage to Paris.
I love this shot... it looks like it could be outside, not inside the casino!
Ditto.
Above the casino floor, on the bridge to the Eiffel Tower elevator.
View from the top, looking down at the Bellagio fountains... which were not working that day. Maybe the economy forces them to only operate the fountains at night? 
A replica of a fountain which I remember seeing near The Tuileries and Champs Elysees in Paris last January. So strange to now visit this resort after having been to Paris.
As we walked through the resort, our friends told us about the real buildings the resort was paying hommage to, which added to the experience.
I love the colorful garden in The Wynn Resort. And the tiled floor is just as colorful.
Two bars... Umbrella Up, and Umbrella Down. 
The ceiling near the Atrium Garden in Bellagio. 
A Lion in front of Caesar's Palace
Two happy Frenchmen and one naked Italian, Caesar's Palace.
I have a hard time remembering the name of this bar... I remember having Coconut Margarita's there with our friend Pam. We just call it "The Mermaid Bar" and we know which place each other is referring to (but it's actually called The Seahorse Lounge).
If you go to Vegas... I can't recommend this restaurant more emphatically. Bradley Ogden is a fantastic restaurant.
Poured at the table: Sweet Yellow Corn Soup, made with spiced popcorn, corn relish and lemon verbena... so yummy!
Above... Roasted Petaluma Free-Range Chicken, Panzanilla salad with toasted pinenuts and pesto sauce. Flavor, flavor, flavor!
And complimentary dessert (tho we ordered some additional desserts as well)... Butterscotch Mousse with toasted pumpkin seeds. To die for. Classy place, efficient and courteous staff. Lovely meal with friends. :)
Hotel room view. :)We ventured to the north end of the strip for the first time, to see the famed Fremont Street Experience....
...tho seeing the souvenir Light Up Jesus and Mary plates was also an experience. I know when I think of Vegas, light up Jesus & Mary plates always comes to mind.
Neon reigns supreme down in Old Vegas & Fremont Street (Cabs reign supreme also, as it cost $50 to get there and back).
I just love the color of it all.
Um. No comment.
The Fremont Street Experience is an expansive ceiling of luminous LED lights going the full distance of the street! Every hour they do a little show, always themed. Lucky us, we were ther for ....
... the KISS tribute.
Famous iconic neon signs of Old Vegas.... If I had to live in the Old West, it would have to be Glitter Gulch. 
How would you like to wear this to work? (a bar in Caesar's Palace)
They are always building in Vegas. This is the new multi-hotel complex that takes up a massive area of frontage on The Strip. They've been working on it for years. The model above shows the finished design. I think they're getting close to completion now.
Rubbing the Sphinx's paw for good luck, at the Luxor Hotel Casino.
The Giant Golden Lion on the MGM Grand Hotel Casino (taken from a moving car).
Sunset from the airplane ride home...It was a 24-hour whirlwind trip to Vegas (we're only 45 min by plane). When our friends return to visit us, we will go back for 3 full days and nights and show them even more.
If you missed Part One, click *here* for some surprises.
~Shephard :)
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Paris in the Winter
If you don't like Paris, France, you're going to hate this post. If you don't like food, and chocolate, and beauty and architecture... just stop right now. . . don't even bother looking further. 
On our return to Paris from London, our friends invited us to their home and served us a home-cooked dinner. It is still one of the nicest memories from the amazing press junket experience in February. I found this folder full of photos I meant to post. So here goes... 
... look close... someone is eying my food. Her name is Leonie, and she's as adorable as she looks. 
Home-made dessert. Yes, home-made. They went all out to welcome us. :) After dinner, we drove to the Eiffel Tower for some apres-diner sparkle. 
They saw us to our hotel, and then met us the very next morning for 7 miles of walking and touring the city of Paris. 
If the homeless in Los Angeles used bunny rabbits to evoke donations, I'm be broke. Yes, I gave him money. How could I not? Il avait faim!
We explored Montmartre. We never knew what we'd see around each corner. 
The Artists of Montmartre. 
The dome of Sacre Coeur...
The view from Sacre Coeur.
Ahem. Well at least it's slightly amusing vandalism.We took the metro several times. And a bus. And did I mention 7 miles of walking? It was wonderful.
Cafe de Flore, very old establishment... 
Our friend modeling a real French croissant.
Piping Hot chocolate that was so thick and rich it was a meal. It was like melted Godiva. I shudder to think the cholesterol in one little cup. It was divine.
Think Harry & David meets Dean & DeLuca. . . but classier. 
I wanted one of those red things. I don't even know what they were. Why didn't I have one? We were so rushed. 
Across the way from Hediard... Fauchon... I had the yummiest Madeleines there. 
Looking back out through the pink entry doors. Life is rosey in Paris.
Angels flanked a side entry to Paris' Sorbonne University.
Male angels are kinda rare. I loved them. 
One metro station we saw was quite special. Or as our good French friends say, "Tres Sheppy."
Beautiful colorful glass balls forming domes. It sat like a jewelbox in the middle of a square. I want to say it was not far from The Louvre. But I can't remember.
The twilight made shooting it a bit of a challenge. But I love the images.
Our friends refer to it as Shephard's Metro station now. lol 
Zoom to appreciate. One of my favorite shots. It just makes me laugh. She was like a little pink penguin. 
I still can't explain this car! In Paris!! 
A covered passage with sparkly lights beats an alleyway any day. 
A restaurant named Flunch in La Marais, I believe.Flunch is a fun word. Let's do flunch.
We ended our day at a very unusual Asian Fusion French restaurant on the top of a building. It was like visiting a Japanese glass flying saucer that landed in Paris. The restaurant is called KONG, and was featured in Sex in the C*ty. 
The bar.
The lucite chairs had geisha faces on them.... and the restaurant was filled with dressy people and dancy music. Very unusual. 
The food was aMAzing. 
So fresh, so much flavor. 
Zoom in on this one.... I can still taste it. We were so hungry, and having so much fun, that I forgot to take a photo of the wonderful chocolate dessert done by a known French pastry chef whose name I can't remember. We left, stuffed and happy after an incredible day exploring Paris with two very kind and generous friends. 
Getting a tour from someone who lives in the city is hard to top. (above, view of Notre Dame out our hotel window).
B with our two friends (for whom we recently returned the favor with a tour of Los Angeles county and Las Vegas)
Hope you enjoyed seeing the photos as much as I did remembering this amazing experience. . . they're less flashy than my previous Paris posts, but these hold very special memories. If you missed any of the previous Paris posts, you can see them *here*
~Shephard :)
Labels: Paris
Monday, October 12, 2009
Falling Toward Christmas
"Winter is an etching, spring a watercolor, summer an oil painting ...and autumn a mosaic of them all." ~Stanley Horowitz
Funny thing about Fall. Whenever I'm asked my favorite season, I usually say Winter. But I always forget how much I love the Fall. It's like it's not a season at all, but rather a break from seasons.
(photo taken in Kyoto, Japan)
Fall is a great metaphor for distance and space. Maybe the sort of distance that years bring. People forget things after years... they forget their words, their actions, their choices. It's all so much water under a bridge. For those of you wondering about last week, that is. :)
A cold, quiet grey blanket covers the city, and my life today, and it makes me want to take a breath and do nothing. 64* is fairly cold for Los Angeles, ya know. I love it. If I could stop the world, and just have 3 days in a row like this with B, that would be like discovering cookies you forgot were stashed in the back of the pantry.
The past two nights, we have awakened at 3:30am or 4:30am, and just talked. Talked about getting from here to there, talked about how to dodge nearby baggage someone might be swinging 'round their heads, talked about what we want/don't want in our lives, what changes we wish for, how to occupy time when time occupies your mind.
My busy mind interferes with the grey today. It's telling me maybe I should think about starting my Christmas shopping. Maybe I should think about finding a repair person for the umpteen things that need fixing. Maybe I should be tackling a list of things that have been on hold since B*lt.
I want cold weather. I want my sweaters. Ironically, this weekend we bought a new print for the house featuring Spring Flowers. I feel a bit out-of-sync.
Before long, it will be time to decorate for Christmas (maybe I'll go to our local Christmas decor place this weekend). But right now, our life is Autumn, a holding pattern ... a time when I should enjoy the fruits even though I'd rather be planting the future. A time to say thank you for the grey day. And the cookies in the pantry.
~Shephard :)
Labels: Of Mice and Mondays
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Sunday, October 04, 2009
Looking Back to Move Forward
The past can really sneak up on you.
I forget sometimes...just how potent the past can be.
I had this wonderful friend.We had a funny little vow of friendship, one she found somewhere, very new-agey and flowery, but also full of respect and balance and optimism. She shared it with me, and it stated basically, that no matter what happened to us in our lives, we recognize that our friendship is separate from events, from choices, from decisions, mistakes and human flaws, and that we would always protect the friendship above the coarseness of our growth and struggles. Essentially, it was a call to remember that we must be kind to each other's mistakes. Life was so hectic and challenging for both of us. We weren't even 30 yet.
Sometimes we have to balance our lives in peculiar ways and things get put aside for a time. She was a wife and mother first, and I understand that sacredness. And we both had these roads we needed to travel. But I never really understood the ending. I guess that's because it wasn't an ending. It's almost like I never had the whole story. I do have a sense that there was no other choice for us. But it broke my heart to lose such a good friend.
You have to love Facebook.
She found me.
So I have to figure out what I feel, and what I don't feel.
I'm not that same person I was. Definitely healthier, not prone to the sophomore mistakes I used to make in friendships. I don't buy into caretaking. I don't play games with what is and isn't being said. I don't settle for less just to have something. I don't engage fully with friends who aren't capable of being honest with me *or* themselves and who are not responsible for their words and actions. All these keep me focused, and keep my relationships healthy. And in truth, I have too many wonderful friends to spend time with, and not enough time because of our crazy wonderful life. So I don't waste time.
I don't know what happened to all these years. I often look back at separations as a blessing... thank god that person didn't weather my blundering years. But ... I did make a promise, even all those years ago, and if I look at this, even 15 or more years later, the idea that we should remember we are not our mistakes. . . seems like a noble and kind one for both our sakes. Life can take over. Sometimes we do what we feel we have to, and others shouldn't take it so personally.
I also spoke with a very dear friend shortly after this Facebook connection who had some very serious and sad news from her family. And it put all of this into sharp and clear perspective. Be real, and be present, and appreciate everything for what it is, when it is.
We were who we were.
We are who we are.
It is what it is.
I love my life, and I'm so grateful for all the friends I have.
~Shephard :)
Labels: Friendship
Monday, September 28, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Whirlwind Tour de SoCal!
I took 2000+ photos during our tour-de-force vacation of showing our French friends around. Well.. .they hadn't been to California before... so we had to show them everything, right?
We started with box seats and dinner at the Hollywood Bowl, for a John Williams concert. :)
We showed them the famous W*lt D*sn*y Concert Hall. 
We took them to Malibu, and walked The Colony, famed stretch of beach lined with celebrity homes. 
... and their French toes touched the Pacific ocean for the first time. :)
No celebs out on their balconies... but we were welcomed by Woofie-Marie here. 
We took them to see Grauman's Chinese Theater and all the footprints and stars in the sidewalk...
We walked the famous red tiled stairs that lead up into the Kodak Theatre, where The Oscars are held each year (... and I didn't think about it until after... but... oh yeah, we walked those steps this year... geez, that was *this* year!). 
In front of Grauman's... photo ops with celebrity look-alikes.
We took them to the infamous no-holds-barred Venice Beach... 
...where they learned that Mermaids sing to raise money for charity...
... and that there are some things you might only see in America... like a guy painting another guy with oil.
We gave them a full tour of An*m*tion. . . all our friends were really nice to them, showed them lots of sneaky-peeks.
We went shopping and I did not buy this chair at Anthropologie.
We showed them the spooky gothic mansion built by the Doheney's, Greystone Manor.
We drove by Henson Studios... which used to be The Charlie Chaplin Studios, thus Kermit's costume.
We spent a day at Laguna Beach...
They ate their first Salt Water Taffy....
I did not buy this fun chair....
They ate their first Steak Sliders in Laguna Beach...
We witnessed this giant harassing a dump-truck....
We 
They learned that in America, all squirrels point East.
We took them to Beverly Hills and Rodeo Drive ...
...they saw the Beverly Wilshire Hotel (which you might recognize from Pretty Woman)
Flower arrangement there... I love green flowers....
On Rodeo Drive, even Mannequins have to wait in line...
A very sweet friend of ours works in post on this show, one of their favorite shows luckily... and was kind enough to take time from her day to give them a complete tour of the set and backlot street...
They learned that, in America, not everything is bigger... 
They experienced a 100 year old dessert succulent garden at Huntington Gardens... 
They ate their first real TexMex meal at Chevy's (and loved it).
They spent several days at D*sn*yla*d for a fun fan-tastic fan-conference. Above is the central fountain feature at D*sn*y's Ca Adv*nture.... this feature is rumored to be going away with the new 1 billion dollar renovation underway.
I will miss it.
Their hotel....
The downtown shopping area near the park is so pretty... and here are some examples of the extraordinarily beautiful afternoon lighting we have here in SoCal. 
And of course, we did take them to Las Vegas and several fun restaurants and locales. 
I love this photo of them taken at Venice Beach. :) I'll leave you with this last photo below, which I have titled "Wookie What I Found."
We had an amazing time. They were such easy guests, and it was magical seeing everything through their eyes. I love being a tour guide. What a great adventure!(PART ONE of LAS VEGAS is below this post)
~Shephard :)
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
When You Can't Get to the Real Thing
I beam fondly when I think back on our trip to Venice, Italy. It's the most magical city I've ever been to. I look at the photo above, and it brings back such fond memories of B and I strolling the calles and shopping and eating amazing food al fresco. Which... is actually interesting, considering the above photo is from the Venetian Resort in Las Vegas. 
Even their version of St. Marc's famous Campanile tower is eerily close. Ok, so the resort could never match the charm and richness and legacy of the real thing... but if you can't make it to Venice... this resort is a slice of that pie. Quite impressive really.
Their Rialto bridge.
Yes... even canals and gondoliers. 
Our French guests were bowled over by the sheer lengths to which these resorts go to approximate some of the beauty of these places. 
Inside or outside?(inside)
The interior ceiling is painted with Renaissance murals.
And there are of course lions... the symbol of The Venetian Republic.
And a very grand lobby.
And an even grander promenade.
Zoom to see the detail and color.
And shopping. No, I didn't buy this skull encrusted with Swarovski crystals.But according to our friends, George Michael did!
The yummiest red.
Not far from The Venetian... Caesar's Palace has a massive mall called THE FORUM SHOPS. Look at the statues and detail work. Amazing.
Almost the Tevi Fountains.
The mall interior... not like any mall you're apt to walk into in any other city but Vegas.
That's a circular ESCALATOR. 
There's a shop there that I always go into, because it's Swarovski overload. I marveled at the detailwork and the composition of this $5000 mirror. Which I did not buy. It wouldn't have gone with the skull anyway. 
We had so much fun showing our friends from France the gaudy, bawdy, tawdry city of Las Vegas. And I think they thoroughly enjoyed it too. We had a blast. . . shopped and dined and ooed and awed. And we didn't gamble once.More photos from Vegas and our adventures coming soon.
~Shephard :)
Monday, September 21, 2009
Oboe from Above
I promise... a big post is coming very soon.
My short story submission is done, our social calendar is clear... normal schedule, here I come!
Labels: Cats: Oboe
Monday, September 14, 2009
Glad to Be Here Now, Thank You!
Taking a 10-day break from the media-fed reality has given me some clarity. And you know what, I'm tired of letting the media decide that I should look at the world as broken. It's been a bumpy couple years and I realize that most of the drama came from those who fan the flames rather than the flames themselves.
I live in a world where I can make friends with a kindred spirit who lives halfway around the world from me, or on the other side of my country, and I can maintain that friendship with weekly or daily communication. If you look back 15 years, it wasn't easy or perhaps even possible to the extent it is now.
I live in a world where the voice of reason is not squelched... I am lucky enough to live in the part of the world that has daily access to intelligent perspectives... Jon Stewart, PBS, NPR, and countless blogs and columns and sharing of timely knowledge and resources. I live in a world where, not only can I look up any information I need, I can search for and find the truth. Answers. Now.
I live in a world where I see people fighting every day for sanity and freedom, and they continue to win these battles, if not always the war.
I live in a world where my kitty didn't have to stay sick with an unknown virus, and possibly die. I was able to have a vet come to my house, diagnose, order the antibiotic, and in 3 days, he was well and happy again.
I've begun to realize how much part the media plays in the continued nagging feeling of "waiting for the other shoe to drop." If I allow myself to believe in the other shoe dropping, I waste the value of peace and happiness in whatever amounts I have right now. The media continues to stir the pot of discontent. But I don't have to take from that pot.
For most of us, it is easier to be happy than it ever was for our ancestors or even grandparents. Yes, things go wrong, things aren't always pleasant... but the human body is pretty good at handling a certain amount of stress just fine. So, for today, I will try to focus on all of the above, on all that is good in my life and the world, and maybe take a little less for granted. Listen less to the media, and more to my life.
(photo of a friend, enjoying the beach... Malibu, September 2009) ~Shephard :)
Labels: Of Mice and Mondays
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Spilling the Beans
The news has been officially released wide, so I can now talk about stuff from the inside.
Put on your Asterisk Decoding Hat. . .
The actress singer above has the most lovely voice, and we've enjoyed her in movies as well. And the actor of course is Chuck (tho some of your sharp-eyes may remember him from the TV series L*ss Th*n Perfect, which we loved).
I was so lucky to be able to be a quiet little bird in the recording control booth during most of the 120 auditions, and well, even with my love of Bway, the chemistry of these two auditions stands out clearly in my memory.
M came in to audition even though she was a bit under the weather, and when she sang "Help Me" (J*ni Mitch*ll), we were all blown away! The control and color in her voice was lovely, her phrasing and effortless execution of a difficult song, perfect. And in her line-reading, she had this wonderful quality to her voice, vulnerable, enthusiastic, empathetic, funny. They just knew she would give R all the right qualities. Talented actress. And I keep listening to her voice on her new CD, and I can't wait to hear her sing the songs in the movie.
Z came into the audition and did his line-reading first. He understood what the role required. His ad-libs had the entire control booth laughing out loud, and he was so charming and likable, as were some of the other auditions. But then it came time for the singing part of the audition. Everyone held their breath. Oh my god, he really understands the character, so natural and charming and funny... please let him be able to sing! The moment he began singing "Sweet B*by J*mes" (J*mes T*ylor), everyone in the control booth cheered. His voice is perfectly suited to the song he chose. He'll sound so good with M! 
Since then, Z has come in for a 4 hour recording session, in which they recorded close to 80-90% of his lines for the movie. Watching him work in the recording room with B & N was so much fun. He was fearless. He'd try anything, reading the lines, throwing in more ad-libs, listening carefully to B & N describe his motivation and the scene, and then giving it just that something extra to take it the next level. We laughed so many times, I lost count. 
I remember all the auditions so vividly. For a theatre geek like me, getting to hear people sing is the best possible day, but being able to be a fly on the wall while the best of Bway parade through and sing was beyond beyond. My heart breaks for the people who didn't get cast, who were just as good, but just didn't have every little quality the role requires. Chemistry vocally counts for a lot as well (the way their voices match up with each other). It was a thrill to hear all those auditions. The audition process is so hard on them all. I just wanted to tell them all how wonderful and talented they were.Z & M are a perfect fit, and it will be exciting to hear their voices on screen. And I can't wait for more singing! :)
(the above are concept pieces from early development for the movie)
~Shephard :)
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Little Pink Tongues
It's the little things in life that mean the most ...
... like little pink tongues.
Labels: Cats, Cats: Golly
Friday, August 28, 2009
Insist on Enjoying Life
It's been a long month. Usually I love my birthday month. But... usually August doesn't contain a week of having an awful cold (hiding it on my bday), Splenda poisoning, 101* temperatures, a sabotaged computer, a new computer which came sabotaged with Windows Vista, a writing deadline I might not meet, brushfires that choke the air, a husband who is working long hours, broken glass porch lanterns, electrical repairs and did I mention Splenda poisoning?Am I an idiot to be so happy then? Who cares, I'm happy. :) Things may slow me down, but I'm still breathing. I win.
I suppose when you get sick, you naturally appreciate the simple things. Chicken Soup. Muppet Show Reruns. Take out. Quiet time. Enjoying a chance to annoy telemarketers ("Sure, I'll take your survey, as long as I can answer 'pineapple' to every question you ask me."). Furballs who want to sleep on your lap. Friends who care. Sickness or not, that sounds like a pretty good life.
Whatever I'm dealing with, it just seems a bit lighter if I insist on enjoying it. Within Reason. See that "within reason?" I've learned in my years of blogging that if I don't qualify something like that, it pushes some people's buttons and they feel the overwhelming need to point out to me that my statement is a gross generalization that is leaving out some serious exceptions. Like I don't realize that having serious illness or devastating sadness isn't an exception. So... within reason, I have enjoyed being sick and learning that Splenda is the culprit. I have enjoyed a quiet telephone and a chance to think deeply about some of the things you've been reading in the Alley here.And I've enjoyed visiting this kitty's website: *Maru Kitty*
If I miss my deadline, it's ok. There will be other writing submissions. If the house isn't perfect before our friends from France arrive, they'll understand and won't care. If I get invitations I can't accept, I'll be honest and not feel badly for disappointing people (that's harder). I might say no. Or yes emphatically. It will be the right and healthy answer for me at the time. If I can't make every event on every calendar, or make room in our schedule for everything, it'll be okay.
Those who truly know and understand are going to be fine with it. And frankly those who don't are not on my list of "must understand" because they will insist on being victims anyway. I realize that I have gone most of my life making other people's understanding a major priority. How exhausting! I think I'll work on changing that. Anyone out there is welcome to remind me too.
I'm going to have a wonderful weekend now. :)
Why, why does this make me laugh every time I run across it? Every time.
A young woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen!!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a older woman next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The older woman says: "Don't let him get away with that! You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Happy Friday, Happy Weekend Everyone,
~Shephard :)
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Not So Splenda'd
** UPDATED at end of post** I allegedly have Splenda Poisoning.
On the off chance this might affect you, I'll share. :)
Luckily, I only had a couple of the severe symptoms, but they were SO specific that I'm personally pretty sure of it. Bloodshot eyes for no reason. And then wham, 9-hour stomach ache. Hot boiling stomach for 9 hours. I couldn't sleep. I still can't eat. To be clear, I'm sure it's because of the amount of Splenda I ingest... 3 pops a day. Every month and a half or so I'd get this burning tummy thing that would last a couple days. Just figured it was indigestion. I feel like I know the culprit now.
My body finally had enough. I started feeling weak and sick and my eyes were bloodshot for no reason. B bought me DIET cranberry juice with Splenda (I always drink Cran when I'm feeling under the weather). The worst thing I could have done. I kept B up all night, I was so sick. 12 hours later, I'm still very weak. Still can't eat.
Luckily, I only had a couple of the severe symptoms, but they were SO specific that I'm personally pretty sure of it. Bloodshot eyes for no reason. And then wham, 9-hour stomach ache. Hot boiling stomach for 9 hours. I couldn't sleep. I still can't eat. To be clear, I'm sure it's because of the amount of Splenda I ingest... 3 pops a day. Every month and a half or so I'd get this burning tummy thing that would last a couple days. Just figured it was indigestion. I feel like I know the culprit now.
My body finally had enough. I started feeling weak and sick and my eyes were bloodshot for no reason. B bought me DIET cranberry juice with Splenda (I always drink Cran when I'm feeling under the weather). The worst thing I could have done. I kept B up all night, I was so sick. 12 hours later, I'm still very weak. Still can't eat.
The culprit? Splenda apparently contains lots of free chlorine in it, whereas most things have chlorine reacted with and attached to other elements or molecules. Free chlorine, being reactive, can and apparently does, cause harm. The body allegedly can't metabolize this chlorine. OSHA has warned that synthetic forms of chlorine can burn your internal organs. I'm no science guy... my physicist friend Ashley helped me understand a bit more clearly. If you'd like to decide for yourself, or begin the process of figuring out what info is accurate, I'll include one link. There's a host of information. I leave it to you to do your responsible research:
http://www.splendaexposed.com/
http://www.splendaexposed.com/
My tummy is not happy, but at least it stopped hurting. You'd probably have to overdo Splenda as much as I did to get a similar reaction. But maybe not. Everyone's bodies are different, more or less sensitive and as we all know, science keeps making new discoveries. All I know is that the moment B gave me the Diet Cran with Sucraose, it was like kerosine on a fire. And if sharing this info can prevent someone out there from going through that, I'm happy to propose the idea that maybe we should look more closely at avoiding Splenda.
UPDATE:
8/27, I'm feeling much better. No other symptoms other than those ascribed to Splenda reactions, so no worries about gall bladder or pancreas or anything else. I'm reasonably certain my tummy has been thru a Splenda ordeal. I'm on the mend. I will logically be avoiding artificial sweeteners and, heaven help me, diet soda. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise... just the shove in the right direction I needed. I'm holding that thought.
8/27, I'm feeling much better. No other symptoms other than those ascribed to Splenda reactions, so no worries about gall bladder or pancreas or anything else. I'm reasonably certain my tummy has been thru a Splenda ordeal. I'm on the mend. I will logically be avoiding artificial sweeteners and, heaven help me, diet soda. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise... just the shove in the right direction I needed. I'm holding that thought.
~Shephard :)
Monday, August 24, 2009
Ready, Willing and Able
My new computer sits behind me.
I won't mourn the passing of this one. It has done its level best to make the last chokingly-slow moments of its life as exasperating as it could. My new computer could eat this one for lunch. And if possible, I'd let it. I suppose it's the law of the Digital Jungle.
Change is slowly saturating every area of my life now. I'm glad. Sometimes I think of myself as a house in a crowded neighborhood. I can completely renovate the interior without the other houses being aware. Only the people I invite in will notice the renovations. It's that kind of change.
This might be the cold or tummy bug speaking, but I'm starting to think I don't like juggling as much as I used to. For so long, I thought I was so good at organizing and managing and resourcing. Be careful what you say you're good at.
Of course, it all subsides after B finishes the girl with the fabulous follicles. It's a blessing to see that there is an end in sight (it's going to be spectacularly beautiful, and also very funny). But I don't think either of us knew what we were in for. B stepped up to the plate on the puppy dog project, and he knew he had to make a quality movie almost faster than it has ever been done (quality). 18 months is NOT enough time to do a quality an*mated film without frying half the people on the movie. But then, with just publicity left on that production, B leapt from one moving vehicle to another into the same exact troubled situation with blondie. They gave him a month off at Christmas. We naively thought that would be plenty (who really rests at Christmas?).
We thought, it will be easier the second time around. Less surprises with a situation that has enormous talent and experienced, seasoned people who've just been through the same, and know what needs to happen. We thought, we know what to expect with the schedule and demands and since we were already balancing it all, it would feel the same. We were just dead wrong. Every movie is different.
B and his partner N really are gifted at what they do. I watch them juggling people, personalities, problems, solutions and doing so with such restraint, grace, humor and kindness that sometimes I wonder if the people involved even notice the effort it takes them. The level of ingratitude surrounding them is a bit shocking sometimes. I couldn't do it. I don't suffer the insensitive, unjust and thoughtless so gracefully and skillfully. B keeps his eye on the big picture and stays fluid enough to rapidly move through all the possibilities. Which is rather like juggling 4 cats and 1 mouse.
The Universe has a way of exhausting us so we let go sometimes. I'm at that point. I physically can't keep all the balls in the air any longer. I notice I'm more apt to say exactly how I feel now (in a nice PC way if possible). I don't always have the energy to explain to those who don't understand. I'm less likely to wait for others to validate my choices or feelings. I don't ask for permission to like what I like anymore, or enjoy what I enjoy, be who I am, or choose what to do with my time. I'm more apt to make healthy choices without lengthy explanations and apologies. My energy and time is precious, and I have a hubby to watch like a hawk, making sure he's healthy and taking care of himself. I have to let some of the balls drop out of the air.
Actually, that all sounds pretty healthy, doesn't it. It only took me getting so tired that I let go my deathgrip on life's control panel. Funny how life works. I'm not waiting for New Year's 2010. I'm ready to make changes now. I'm able to make them now. And, yes, willing too.
Starting with my new computer. I'm going to try to install it myself (hold positive thoughts for me).
~Shephard :)
Labels: Of Mice and Mondays
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
When Worlds Collide
iTunes Today: a host of delightfully unhip tunes
LA Weather: Gray, Sunny, Gray, Cool
Last Night: Sushi & Good Company
Our Cats are currently: blissfully unaware of how annoying computers can be
LA Weather: Gray, Sunny, Gray, Cool
Last Night: Sushi & Good Company
Our Cats are currently: blissfully unaware of how annoying computers can be
Socialnomics is the term being given to the rapidly morphing and exponentially expanding Social Networking phenomenon... aka... Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Blogging etc.
I am at the brink
ready to plunge over into the abyss
from which there's no return.
And I'm wondering
what do all of you think?
ready to plunge over into the abyss
from which there's no return.
And I'm wondering
what do all of you think?
I love blogging.
I can reach out into the world, make a difference, lift my own spirits, work through issues, find kindred spirits, post adventures, and in general, share on a deeper level than I do with most of the people in my near vacinity. Blogging keeps me sharp, keeps me writing, keeps me honest, and keeps me plugged in and thinking.
I can reach out into the world, make a difference, lift my own spirits, work through issues, find kindred spirits, post adventures, and in general, share on a deeper level than I do with most of the people in my near vacinity. Blogging keeps me sharp, keeps me writing, keeps me honest, and keeps me plugged in and thinking.
Facebook. It's more than a popular craze.
I know some of you out there scoff (dare you to watch the video at the end of this post). But I'll just say that for me, it has helped me connect with people in meaningful ways on a daily basis. Facebook strengthens bonds and builds social bridges and relationships. So I won't be giving it up. It's fun. People who say that only people who don't have a life use Facebook are speaking from unawareness, and for some, maybe fear. Like any tool, it is what you make it, what you do with it. Is it necessary or valuable for everyone? Nope. :)
I know some of you out there scoff (dare you to watch the video at the end of this post). But I'll just say that for me, it has helped me connect with people in meaningful ways on a daily basis. Facebook strengthens bonds and builds social bridges and relationships. So I won't be giving it up. It's fun. People who say that only people who don't have a life use Facebook are speaking from unawareness, and for some, maybe fear. Like any tool, it is what you make it, what you do with it. Is it necessary or valuable for everyone? Nope. :)
Some of you may already be standing next to me at the brink.
Or maybe you already jumped?
Or maybe you already jumped?
As the search engines become more and more entwined with Facebook, Twitter and blogging, it gets harder and harder to shield my little corner of the bloggisphere from what may be the inevitable Socialnomic invasion. In short: my dilemma is the reality that some of the people in my life may get to know me on deeper levels from reading my blog, the way many of you have, and it's a very vulnerable place to be because... relationships and opinions change with more information.
Some people admire compassion. Some people see it as weakness or rampant liberalism. Some people don't like people who form their own opinions. . . and voice them. People need to label other people. Some people are very attached to beliefs and political views that stay nicely tucked away, allowing people they know to carry on perfectly social happy relationships with them without opening up a can of worms (or whoop-ass). That changes if people can access these personal sides of you and your world.
Likely the only people I'd ever offend are those either unreasonable or in denial (their denial is none of my business) about human compassion and civil rights, common kindness, courtesy, and being responsible for your beliefs and choices. Same ole same ole. I'm not terribly worried about offending reasonable people. There's another layer. Facebook embraces all relationships equally regardless of depth. And Facebookers can easily find my blog if they try. So just how comfortable am I that perhaps some of B's workmates will find my blog, read my personal thoughts, and then arrive at their own conclusions (which they're entitled to) about who I am. . . when I will continue to know nothing more about them at all? And this will reflect on B as well. They're all lovely people, don't get me wrong. But it's information that I won't even know has been shared.
That's the age-old badge of courage worn by every writer. Writers are more exposed. It's inevitable. I'm serious about my writing, about my craft that I work so hard on, and about the things that are positive influences in my life. Blogging is one of them. Facebook is another. They support my mental & emotional health and are fantastic sources of cheer, friendship and unlimited resources.
I suppose I never take "the point of no return" with a grain of salt. Once I step off the edge, that's it. Me, my blog, my life, are wide open.
I'm going to be brutally honest here now... I think about people not understanding who I am, not understanding kindness, compassion (it's cool to be bitchy and cynical, ya know), judging me, how gay, how liberal, how unreasonable. I hear people who claim they don't care. They're lying to themselves. We all care. I do think about how their opinion of me will reflect on B a lot as well. I am so careful to keep my public foray safely separate from his. But that is going to get harder and harder.
So. Do I jump? Do I take the plunge? Cuz it getting tiring having this thing you hoard and protect and sheild all the time. To have to think about it, to write every post with this in mind, to think about each photo I choose to post etc. 4 years of blogging is about to change.
Whether I link my blog to Facebook or not, people can and will find it. So perhaps it isn't an issue really. Perhaps the CHOICE is the same as it has been from the moment I realized I was gay: to hide my light under a bushel, or to boldly claim: "Ain't this my sun, ain't this my moon, ain't this my world to be who I choose?"
Worlds are colliding. Things are changing. Watch *THIS* amazing short clip on YouTube (that a friend shared on Facebook, lol) and see if it doesn't make you think.
And by the way... what does one wear when one jumps into the abyss?
~Shephard :)