Monday, June 04, 2012

Not Filling in the Blanks



Back in January, I was thinking a lot about the way our relationships fall in our lives, where we place them for the good of both parties actually.  (If you didn't read The Nine Rings of Relationship, you can do so *here.* )  But as I was talking to my friend Wendy today, I realized the post didn't really address how life and the other people make their own ring-hopping adjustments.



      *The Nine Rings of Relationships*

Sometimes the choices others make will move them from one ring of your life to another.  This is the Universe's way of adjusting our rings of priority.  And we can find ourselves with a feeling of unrest and anxiety about these social changes, rather than seeing their value.



So my revelation is that I should savor and appreciate changes.  It's only a void if I focus on what is being lost.




Of course, I say this assuming that you are on that page with me, knowing that life is talking to us, and there's always something we can learn from the changes and challenges.  If you're not on that page, I suggest you enjoy this detour *here.*  




In one of umpteen queries I've been sending out to agents this month, I was recently asked to fill in the blank.  The agent asked me: What is your favorite sentence from your novel?   

Good googlie-mooglie.  My novel is 392 pages long.  At first, I was a bit panicked. How am I supposed to pick the best-crafted sentence?   I didn't bother.  Instead, I quickly found one that had great meaning for me:

"The trick is to address the void, and not be distracted by things that might fill it." 
 


A week later, I realize the synchronicity of having chosen that sentence.  


Being a social person, my impulse has always been to fill every hole left by those exiting (or ejected) from my life, by every circumstance that changes and leaves a void.  For months now, I've been trying to reprogram these impulses, and succeeding fairly well.  Lately, I found myself responding to the void as if something is missing.  But that vacancy is there for a reason. It has meaning and value. 



I realize, nothing needs to be filled.  
I'm going to be here now, and explore the void, instead of filling it. 



I'll just let The Universe fill it. 
I can find value in whatever this is supposed to be for me.


Because... I'd rather feel peace and gratitude in my life for what is, then focus on what isn't.  Now, the trick is... not to be distracted by things that try to fill the void.


~Shephard :)



posted by Shephard @
2:11 PM | Alley Grafitti (click here to comment) 2

Monday, May 28, 2012

The Fastest Seven Hours of My Life






Our fabulous gay wedding. 
To be honest, I was completely caught off-guard by the entire experience. 



(do zoom in to see the details)



As a gay man, the undercurrent of my life is often validation of one sort or another.  Though I hear other gay people being glib and eschewing any of the straight traditions, I can't help but think the actual wedding experience would change their minds.  We not only deserve the same rights, we need them.




B and I have been together for 25 years now (yes, shocking, but we were 18ish when we got together -- very early!).  But I never dreamed the experience of getting officially married in the 4-month window of validation by the state of California would be so emotional for us. 


 (poster, also the wedding invitation)

The ceremony was private, with witnesses, followed by the cocktail hour, followed by a performance, then course-after-course of food, fun and cake.




What people don't always think about... is how we all, each and every one of us, treat couples differently if they're not officially married.  

For example: you'd never dream of inviting half a married couple some place, yet over those unmarried 21 years B & I were together, this happened all the time.  Not because it wasn't known we were a couple, but because people unconsciously put our relationship on a lower rung of (for lack of a better word) priority. (Or as my friend Kristen pointed out to me after reading this.... staying home to take care of a sick boyfriend, rather than a sick husband, just doesn't seem to warrant the same respect. Another good example).


So to be there with everyone we knew, all smiling and clapping and cheering us on... was unexpectedly emotional (the Bellinis may have contributed a little too), and was the strongest validation I've ever felt as a gay man.


My god, we had a blast. 
45 guests.  There were 2 empty seats at each of 5 tables, and B & I moved with each course -- performance, salad, entree, wedding toasts, and cake.  First course -- a very unexpected  10-song mini-Broadway performance by real Broadway singers (a dream come true).


Teri, Tami and Jason....


It was not something any of the guests expected.  Or that I ever thought would be possible. We even had our own Playbill (designed by me, of course).    :)


...the apples... B & I crafted and hand-lettered as place-setting markers for each guest.  We tried to put personal touches into everything.



I chose all 10 songs, ending with I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do (ABBA), which everyone sang along with. 

We also designed our own cake, and had our talented friend Kellie sculpt the topper, based on the poster/invitation for the wedding.


I have to admit, all the attention we got was a bit unnerving and uncomfortable.  For 20 years I was used to hiding or at least being quiet about our relationship, not having it be the center of attention!



I didn't expect the bravery that wedding planning would require.  
Every time I picked up the phone to plan this wedding (in 4 months, no less!), I had to "come out" to perfect strangers.... flowers, site rental, catering, clothes, hotel, cake, wedding favors,  etc.  I wasn't just another wedding customer, I was a gay couple.  And the overwhelming support and happiness people showed to both of us was completely unexpected.



"I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart, I am never without it, anywhere I go you go, my dear..." (e.e. cummings)


Instead of wedding toasts, I wrote 5 wedding mad-libs, one for each table, each ending in alcohol-induced gales of laughter and teary eyes for everyone.



It was the fastest seven hours of my life.
 It was one of the happiest days of my life.  And no proposition followed by a number... no president or religious leader...  can ever take that away from me. 

Am I glad we had to wait 20 years for the state (any state) to validate us?  In a way, I kinda am.  It meant so much more to me.  During the 4 month planning, I took nothing for granted, knowing the precious opportunity we'd been given.  I wouldn't change one moment of that wedding. 


 
Yet I can't help but feel a sadness that this very human and loving experience is still denied to some, based on politics and religious choice.  My very real plea is that if you're reading this, you realize that your vote does matter.   And be honest with yourself --we all know the economy will bump along no matter who is president.  The vote that matters is a vote of equality and civil rights.


Four-years later, the memories are crisp and life-changing.  And I'm simply more grateful than I ever thought I'd be for this experience.

~Shephard  :)




posted by Shephard @
10:26 AM | Alley Grafitti (click here to comment) 6

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Chloe, a Supernova of Cute


Chloe, a.k.a. "Bunny-Sue" 

She's 14 months now. 
Still behaving like a kitten tho.
She makes us laugh daily, 
and has become very sweet 
(tho still a precocious spaz).

~Shephard :)
 

posted by Shephard @
7:57 PM | Alley Grafitti (click here to comment) 3

Thursday, May 17, 2012

My Donna Summer Story



Sometimes singers and celebrities passing away really hits home.
This is my Donna Summer story. 



Why not listen to this happy song while you read this post?
It's one of my favorite DS songs:  Carry On (1992).




Before I fell in love with music, before I knew I could sing. . . 
I already had every Donna Summer "record" I could get my hands on, checking them out form libraries, borrowing them, whatever I needed to do.  I totally missed the disco-craze  -- too young to go to clubs or be exposed to much directly, so I relied on the radio (whoa-oh-oh-oh, I heard it on the radio). 



In my school, if you liked Donna Summer, you were not cool.  
You were not only not cool, you were targeted and made fun of.  



But I still had photos of this colorful diva pasted all over my school folders and in my locker and in my bedroom.  She was like this singing angel who watched over me.




I had a friend who would draw colorful Donna pictures for me.  I collected magazine articles and photos.  


I played her music endlessly, singing along... before I even knew I could sing... and amazingly, this is how I learned breath support and control in my singing voice --from singing along with Donna, trying to match her notes and phrases (lucky thing I'm a tenor!). 




And that hair.  That amazing hair and those big beautiful eyes.  A lioness. She was this epitome of a strong, expressive person.  



Gay men are drawn to strong, capable women.  Why?  Because women generally accept and embrace gay men.  And because they are examples of how to be comfortable with your feminine side, to be strong and out there boldly expressing who you are, not hiding it.  Bette, Cher, Madonna, Diana, Gaga, Judy...  all loved by gay men for those reasons.  Donna was no exception. 



I remember she did a TV special, at the height of her popularity, just after ON THE RADIO and BAD GIRLS.  I not only watched it, I recorded it, and wore out the tape.  I eventually found these recordings as an adult, on Ebay of all places.  But that TV special... I'll never forget her singing Bridge Over Troubled Water with Robert (Benson) Guillaume.  Wow.


  
Despite the color and splash of disco and the upcoming 80's, Donna was always very real, and had a quirky sense of humor.  Though I had nothing in common with Donna the person, her light was still a beacon to me as a child.  Did you know she was an accomplished painter as well, and had many gallery showings of her work?  She even dabbled in writing a Broadway musical (which sadly never materialized).


But the voice.  It never weakened.  As proven by her mini-come-back with I Will Go With You -- her voice was stronger than ever.



I saw her in concert, in Tampa, FL, in the 90's.  
Naturally, I know the voice ages, but I was blown away by the power and color and control she still had after all those years.  For me, that concert was a "coming home" -- not only embracing who I was, but letting go of some of the pain of childhood.  I stood in a huge concert hall, filled with thousands of people who loved her voice.  Suddenly, I wasn't quite so uncool anymore.  



"Christmas is Here" (from her Christmas CD) is the happiest and most joyful Christmas song I think I've ever heard, and I often make sure it's the first song of the season I play. 






When I heard she passed away this morning, at 63, it just broke my heart a little.  It's not that I'm a zealous fan or have followed her career, or even play her music regularly.  It's the very personal realization that someone that helped me get through the most painful time in my life, someone I was able to vicariously hang onto, who helped me "carry on". . . . is no longer with us. 




Like the song, we do "carry on."
Here's one of my favorite dancey fun Donna Summer songs. 
It makes me wish I knew how to Mashed-Potato. 
Hearing this song always made me feel so happy and hopeful.  
And it probably always will.
Rest in peace, Donna.





~Shephard






posted by Shephard @
12:11 PM | Alley Grafitti (click here to comment) 4

Monday, May 14, 2012

Invisible No More



They're simply not reading. 
I hate to think it's that simple, but. . .
well, you decide. . . prove me wrong.

311,000,000 people in the USA.
Some say 10% are gay.  
A recent conservative guestimate says 
it may be as low as 3.5%. 
Doubtful, but let's go with the conservative.

3.5% is 11,000,000 gay people in the USA.
(world percentage would be 230,000,000)





I've read that a book must sell 10,000 copies to be considered worth-while/minimally successful.  

If even 1% of the 11 million gay people in the USA bought a book with a gay hero/protagonist in it... that book would sell 110,000 copies!  And that's just ONE PERCENT of the gay population of the USA.



Now imagine if even 10 in 100 gay people bought a book! 
1 million books would be sold.  
Just 10% of us could push our books to success. 

I suck at math.  
So my math could be off here and there.  
But not dramatically.  
Not enough to convince me gay people are supporting each other.

 
Another Theory
Maybe there are plenty of gay readers out there.  
Maybe they're all reading books with straight characters. 
When I research and see the majority of gay titles being romance and erotica and self-help it's discouraging.  There's nothing wrong with those books, it's just that we are MORE than that.  Publishers see the romance/erotica selling, and think that's all we read! If that's all we're reading, how sad.  (disclaimer: there are plenty of murder mysteries, self-help, coming-out books and lots of gay vampires, but it's not the majority, and hardly compares to the diversity of mainstream literature.  And no, I haven't forgotten about Tales of the City.)



Kids are the big losers here
Gay kids grow up invisible....
They rarely ever see themselves in mainstream books or movies or songs (pronoun trouble).  And even in books where a gay character is featured, they are pushed to secondary status/importance.  Rarely the main character.


Easily fixed
What if we all just bought a book with a gay character in it once in a while?  I can afford to drop $10 to $25 on a book in support of equality, in an effort to make our numbers heard.  For me, this isn't political. I remember being one of those invisible kids who never saw themselves or anyone like me in books or movies.  We all know what that feels like. We can easily change that.



There was a recent controversy in the publishing industry addressing whether or not agents or editors try to censor gay authors.  I couldn't see anything proven conclusively, but I do know this: If I'm an agent, and I'm trying to make a living, and I've got publishers shying away from publishing gay characters, what would you expect me to do?

Conclusion: 
Our dollars are the answer.  Find books other than erotica, romance and self-help, and start evening the score.  Gay people are simply not supporting literacy and our invisible little brothers and sisters, or the numbers would track differently. 



That book you just bought makes a difference.  
Heck, buy a spare copy for the local library! 

I intend to do my part and buy some books with gays as MAIN CHARACTERS, even if I don't read them.  
I hope someday my community will wake up, and realize they have the power to support each other, and make these kids feel normal/less alone.   

Gay or straight, how easy it would be to buy a book, and make a difference. 

~Shephard



posted by Shephard @
2:26 PM | Alley Grafitti (click here to comment) 6